the one you love and the one who loves you are always never the same person

How long should I keep pushing, I could ask myself that everyday when it comes to you. If only it were more simple now but it seems more and more complicated. Seperate but equal. The less and less tangible our relationship is, just a distant memory sailing off further into the distance.

But within this chest is a scar that can never heal, and will only grow deeper everday. With every passing second we waste time going backwards into an abyss, that will only end up destroying us.

I just can't let go, even though tomorrow seems farther away than ever, only the present keeps me reaching forward, with you around I feel like I can keep going.
There's a list of things I hate so much about you. I don't understand how much I hate having you around but I want you around because I love you. But you were right, in a relationship where we are standing equal I am no longer pulling you down, but instead I am walking away.
I will forget my own name if you ask me.
I will never forget the pain.

There is no mark to show for happiness, there are only scars to show for sorrow.

this is me with the words on the tip of my tongue, with my eye through the scope down the barrel of a gun

remind me not to ever act this way again

I don't recall how it happens. How faith dies, how you get so empty that you don't even know where to go anymore. After being in 3 relationships you'd think a girl would know better, but she doesn't. I don't know any better. Hope used to be such a fucking epitome of my life, but it's been so trodden on by all the people who left my life, left me for dead so to say. I put all my problems on others and can't fix anything myself. My life is dependent on others. Lets see, since the last time I wrote in here, I've broken up with AC, Jeff. and John. My "everlasting" first relationship ended in a miserable failure, 2 years wasted. 2 years of loving someone so much only to have them find somebody better. Someone who can fullfill the needs that I couldn't. John was the first person I trusted after that, but he was even worse, for someone to actually hit a girl and then blame everything on them just broke everything all over again. I don't understand life.

I don't understand the concept of trusting others.

I've been listening to love songs the past couple of days, trying to fill void. I don't know it doesn't even work most of the time. It hurts to write, I feel like I'm just rambling on these days. Like there's no point to anything. Things break. Things get fixed. Same pattern. Same girl. Different boy. But here I am again putting the burden of past relationships on everyone.

Sometimes I wish there was someone out there for me.

It's like hitting rock bottom all over again, it was like junior year summer when Sasha died, and when I tried to OD and he left me not only as a person I cared about as a friend.

"History repeats itself."

I don't know why, and I don't know mostly anything at all. You see if I learned from my mistakes I could pick myself up out of this rut. I could be strong and laugh at everything that's happened.  But I'm not happy, I'm never fully happy at all. Past months just remind me of how much of a disaster I am. How people look down upon me. How people disrespect me. How outspoken I am.

I tell my friends "I'll always be there for them," but I know one day they won't be there for me.
I can't help myself. How can I even begin to fucking help others?

I'm a fucking hypocrite, I tell everyone to do better, I tell everyone it will get better and I don't even believe it. I tell others to have hope, when I have none at all. I tell others what they should choose, when I always make the wrong choice.

I ensure that others are happy, not myself. They deserve more than someone like me. Someone who can't help their own self.

All I have become is nothing.
Not worth loving.
Not worth living.

wow attention whores.

like your life is so fucking shitty.

your parents are leaving each other?
what about having two parents that don't even know each other, who don't even know why they're married. or why they still even pretend to be.

your friends have changed?
my best friend since I was in 3rd grade is leaving me for good, she's moving half way across the fucking country, and you're fucking complaining?

the boy you love doesn't love you back anymore?
well deal with it- life is filled with problems and no shitty boy is worth your time. anyone who's never been hurt in a relationship is either really lucky or really lonely.

cutting?
I honestly think you're a fucking attention whore who makes little pin striped lines across her wrist and acts like she's all hardcore.

--------------------------------

For years Claire had been struggling with her life. A broken home. A dad who's never there and a mom who doesn't care. If she had only known what was going to happen to her she would have never tried to reach out, or have tried to be real.

When she was little her mother gave her a book of stories, and she loved the story of the Velveteen Rabbit and her favorite part said this:

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

As Claire grew older her life changed dramatically, she had all these new pressures, like the pressure to get a boyfriend, or to have a crush on the cutest boys, and to her school was so overwhelming. She would whine everyday about everything and wish her life was over, or find a way out of it. She would cut, because it "helped" her deal with problems, but it only made things worse.

But what about tough times?

When real bad times came she didn't know what to do. Her only vice had failed her and only made her look for more destructive habits.

She had become a prisoner to her own unhappiness and refused to look at the positive side of things.

When you look at your life what do you see?

You only look on the face value, and nothing beneath it, no underlying causes, just what you see. All these bad things, they can get better only if you want it too...

Hmm time for my two cents on an issue that has occured over and over again.

Let me start this off with a few words:

A) I know she might hate me for this but I have a chance to defend myself, because what you have accused me of isn't true in the least bit.

B) You are incredibly pathetic and I will say this various times throughout the passage.

C) No one cares what you say.

Take the time to think over this paragraph(s) and open your eyes to the truth of harassment.

Ok here's the story, so one day there was this girl and this guy, this girl was my friend and there was a guy she really liked. He played around with her and broke her poor sorry little heart. Then trouble erupted and girl who is now hated is thrown out of the picture. The girl's friend likes the guy and they get together.

Now you must be wondering where yours truly comes along with the picture.

Let me please swear to GOD that if this is not true for the world to stop spinning.

Here are my main points:

1. I never liked you and what you wrote is an attack on my friend's character and that irritates the CRAP out of me.
2. Stop acting like you know pain because apparently you DON'T know anything.
3. No one likes you, her friends never liked you so if you think that we influence her decisions just because we hate you then you are very sadly mistaken. ON a side note: If there's something wrong with you then all her friend's will hate you.
4. You made my friend cry all the time so don't act like you're the victim! SO STOP spreading RUMORS ABOUT HER! You and ____ are alike. Want to know how? You are the most manipulative, ignorant, lying, hypocrite I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.
5. Stop judging people, and especially me, YOU DON'T FREAKING KNOW ME so WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF.
6. I don't tell my friend what to do, I give her advice, and you, you stupid dimwitted little twit have gotten on everybody's nerves. YOU JUST DON'T GO WRITE ABOUT PEOPLE AND TRY TO RUIN THEIR REPUTATION. So why don't you take a picture of what you have just done and realize that you know nothing and you never will know anything. ALL of her friend's absolutely despise you and you know what? I don't hate asians, have you realized who I've dated, I'm also partially asian you MORON. Also, I'm not critizing you, apparently you haven't heard of sarcasm.
7. Yeah I might go to HELL but you're going there first but instead you'll burn in the last layer, you know the one where all the evil people go.
8. I know my friend will find a guy so much better than you, someone who actually loves and accepts her and doesn't try to change her. Someone who respects and exonerates her as if she were his goddess. Someone that will treat her as the only thing that matters and accepts the choices she makes never questioning it for one second. Someone who won't critize and someone to hold her.

If you haven't noticed anything, that's love. LOVE MEANS NEVER HURTING THAT PERSON. OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF IT.

So REPLY TO THIS AND IT JUST PROVE HOW PETTY AND WORTHLESS YOU ARE.

She didn't even start shit with you, so I don't get what you're trying to prove. I wonder if this makes you feel better? I wonder if you're insignificance to the world really starts to get a glimmer of hope when you learn that other people are hurt by you. Does it feel great? Is your two seconds of actually being accounted for worth it? Think about that one.

You just can't relax
and you can't rely on
anyone for anything
So you make your complaints
and oh everyone's let you down
You just can't
ever win

Convinced there's a war and it's always
everybody versus you
Convinced that you're critics are watchin'
and you've always got something,
you've always got something to prove

So tie the noose
and raise the cross
The martyr's arrived
A desperate plea
for sympathy
It's all you need

A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting
and never getting help doesn't make you brave
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith
You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face

So tie the noose
and raise the cross
The martyr's arrived
A desperate plea for sympathy
It's all you need

And you want it all